If you didn't know, in addition to writing articles for Not the Bee over the last few years, I've also been writing and mailing silly letters to our elected representatives, mostly for self amusement.
So, when some of our loyal Not the Bee readers told me that Joe Biden's campaign is hiring a "meme manager" because his poll numbers are dismal, I knew what I had to do.
I applied immediately.
Here's my cover letter:
Dear Julie Chávez Rodriguez,
First of all congratulations on being appointed the head of President Joe Biden's 2024 campaign. This has to be an exciting and very busy time in your life. I am writing this letter in the hopes of being considered for the position of Partner Manager, Content and Meme Pages.
I'm going to start out with my qualifications, and while at first, you may find them a poor fit for the Biden campaign, I hope by the end of this letter, you'll see them as a valuable strength both for President Biden and for the nation.
For the past few years, I've been writing for the Babylon Bee's sister site Not the Bee. They publish all the stories that sound like satire but are not. And you can imagine that includes a fair amount of humor and meme creations, many of which have been at the expense of President Biden.
Now, you might be saying to yourself, 'Why is a conservative humorist applying to a job on the Biden campaign? This is ridiculous!'
But don't forget the most popular Biden meme among young voters is Dark Brandon, a meme made by conservatives to mock Joe Biden. The Biden administration references it all the time, even embraces the dystopian vision of the president.
Given the chance, I could co-opt even more conservative memes mocking the president, embrace, and elevate them to a level that by election day, everyone in the nation will have seen them and be reminded of how the presidency of Joe Biden has affected each and every American. Joe Biden could easily become the most memed president ever.
With that in mind, here are just a few examples of the memes and stories I've created, mocking the president over the last three years:
And just to show I know my way around algorithms and SEO, here's a quick list to get this letter seen by a human being: woman, Black, trans, diversity, equity, inclusion, disability, my pronouns are, chocolate chip ice cream, and a literal threat to our democracy.
While I know you're chomping at the bit to hire me, I will need two accommodations before accepting this position.
- I am not 'up to date' on Covid vaccinations, nor do I intend to be. Now that Covid is at best a sinus infection, that seems sillier than a conservative applying for a job with the Biden campaign.
- I would love to work in-house with my co-workers, so I'll need the Biden campaign headquarters to relocate from Wilmington, DE, to Brownsville, TX. We're pretty close to the beach, so the president can still sit out under his umbrella and everything.
Thank you for your time and consideration of my skills and accommodations. I look forward to seeing you all here in Texas soon!
That last point is non-negotiable.
There's no way I'm moving from the free state of Texas to communist Delaware.
So, if you don't hear from me on these pages again, I've either been hired to be Biden's new meme manager, or I've been picked up by the FBI and whisked away to some nameless gulag.
Probably in Delaware.
Special thanks to Not the Bee users @quodscripsi and @happyapple for fast-tracking me to the gulags.
