Due to an influx of martyrs, paradise has reportedly been forced to dial back its promise of 70 virgins upon arrival. However, representatives of the supreme higher being insist new arrivals will be just as happy with the available stable of slightly prudish women to pick from, though they will only get six. It's a take it or leave it deal, and earthly theologians surmise some martyrs may skip the women altogether and willingly sacrifice themselves for the free ice cream. But that's not all that has been happening lately!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason. (Title Headline by @webidtheefarewell.)
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
Husband Presumed Dead After Laughing At Wrong Part Of Wife's Story @kirgol
After Marching Around Jericho For Six Days, Israelites Ask Joshua Why He Just Doesn't Call Trump For An Air Strike @dontslowtheearth
Local Man At Museum Googles "How To Hot Wire A Sherman Tank" @drconservativeprof
Prankster Iranian Nuclear Physicist Has A Blast By Yelling Boom Behind Unsuspecting Coworkers @thebigfreeze
Former President Deported Back To Kenya In Latest ICE Raid @m4d
Nintendo Releases WNBA Brawl @littlejedi
Genius Husband Rigs Car To Automatically Activate Hazard Lights Whenever Wife Is Driving @batknight
Ayatollah Khamenei Calls Biden For Tips On Living In A Bunker @gfanson
Tucker Asks Luke Skywalker If He Knows The Population Of The Death Star @thebigfreeze
Deceased Husband Last Heard Telling Wife "No. It's Not The Dress That Makes You Look Fat" @ruthiej714
Tehran Offers Greta The Chance To Sit On Top Of A Nuke Bunker As A Human Shield @alex0987
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
Helpful Wife Provides Husband Realtime WWIII Updates During NBA Finals @priehle
Due To Shortages, Paradise Reports Martyrs Will Now Receive Only Six Slightly Prudish Women @webidtheefarewell
Reporters On Ground Disclose Only 1 1/2 Pillars Of Islam Left In Iran @ruthiej714
Compromise: Iran Proposes Destruction Of Themselves And Israel @baberahamlincoln
Officials Recommend Caitlin Clark Play In Suit Of Armor @polichick
Husband Dead After Wishing Wife A Happy Partnerversary @alola_rychu
CDC Creates Zombies To Create Zombie Vaccine In Case Anyone Ever Creates Zombies @kirgol
Baptist Preacher Tells Congregation All Fiddlefaddle Is Breaking Lose @mrhero
AI Advises Coders To Learn To Weld @dolamroth
BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!
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